Saturday, March 28, 2009

Save the [fill in the blank]

I feel like everyone/everything has a cause now a days. "Save the [fill in the blank]" has become the ultimate cure for boredom. Well, I'm bored too, so I decided to start my own cause.


Hi. I'm DLaz, founder of Blog and Drinks and I'm appearing before you today to talk about an issue that is very near and dear to my heart: VCRs.

Everyday, on average, 1,137 VCRs in the US meet their untimely demise. And if we don't act quickly, the thought of a world without VCRs will become a reality. Its easy to turn a blind eye to this pandemic, so long as we can avoid putting a face to its victims. That is why I would like everyone to meet Timmy.





It was not long ago, that Timmy was a young and ambitious player who selfishly devoted his time to showing you the day's cinematic masterpieces. Fast forward, rewind, play, pause, reject. These were the commands he faithfully executed on your every beck and call. Now, he sits, discarded and homeless, wondering if his life was just some sort of cosmic joke. Constantly replaying the great moments he shared with you: Gasping at Jaws, laughing at Blazing Saddles, crying at Field of Dreams. Yes, he was there for all of them.

Maybe Timmy is a little dated. Maybe he supports a technology that is nearly obsolete. Maybe he is impossible to program. But doesn't he deserve the same opportunities that vastly superior technologies like DVD players and Blu-Ray players currently enjoy? Well, now you can see to it, that Timmy does. For as little as $1.17 a day, less than the cost of your morning coffee, you can help VCRs like Timmy find loving and caring homes. Our operators are standing by to take your calls. So please grab your credit card and call 1-800-VCR-SAVE, and you can begin saving the VCRs today.



Wednesday, March 25, 2009

DLaz Thoughts

It has been almost a decade since The Simpsons was even half-decent and it’s still on TV. That’s really amazing when you think about it.

I don’t know anybody who likes Nancy Pelosi. Even her parents are disappointed.

I’ve been getting less spam recently. Which means, even the spammers have been hit by the recession (finally a bright spot in this mess).

Does anyone else get the feeling that A-Rod is going to go postal? Either that, or take Jeter hostage and refuse to release him until the world agrees to love him.

I would pay good money to see Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore compete in American Gladiators.

Did President Obama make fun of the Special Olympics….and get away with it? I wonder if he can walk on water.

The number 1 rule of parenting: never let your kid became a child actor. Has a child actor’s life/career ever gone well in the aftermath?

Madonna is the first ever real triple threat. She could be my mother, my grandmother or my girlfriend and I think I would be OK with any of those options (I seeked permission from my girlfriend and was granted approval to write this thought. Still awaiting approval from my mom and grandma).

How is it that Europeans are so laid back and civilized in every facet of life, except when it comes to soccer?

I wish I was either smarter or dumber.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Geithner Looks Exactly Like.....

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Tim Geithner, the US Secretary of the Treasury, and one of the few men that hold the fate of the global financial system in their hands, is the spitting image of.....the bad guy from Billy Madison. This has to be a bad sign.



Friday, March 20, 2009

Greed is Gone

For over two decades, no speech has guided our business aspirations quite like the "Greed is Good" speech from the movie Wall Street. But, Greed, all of a sudden, is less popular than an AIG executive. We need a new rallying cry. Thankfully, I'm here to help:

Ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate the opportunity you are giving me here. There used to be an idea that was powerful. So powerful that it inspired the poorest people from around the world to risk their health and leave behind their families in pursuit of it. That idea was the American Dream. Today, that dream has been reduced to a joke. Ravaged by the very ones that we entrusted to its safekeeping. Goldman, Citi, Merrill, Lehman, AIG! They promised to watch over our dream with honesty and integrity. Instead, they sliced up our futures into a thousand pieces and sold them to the highest bidder. The truth is, they had only one true guiding principle: greed.

Now, here we are, with a financial system in ruin, wealth destroyed and dreams shattered. And what are We the People doing about it? Nothing! Everywhere I look, people are drowning in their own self pity. Waiting for things to go back to the way they were. Waiting for a white knight to come to the rescue. It makes me sick. It would make your ancestors sick. The very ones who built this great country. Yes, the investment bankers hijacked the American Dream. But it happened on our watch and we must take responsibility for it.

So, I ask you to open up your eyes and face two scary truths. First, the American financial system you grew up with is dead. The shallow existence of watching our wealth grow and indulging in our superficiality is over. Second, if we continue to sit idly, the Dream will be nothing more than a remnant of the fallen American empire. We need to act now. We need to take our Dream back! How? You the People, need to invest in the one institution that is innovative enough, that is capable enough and that is pure enough to be entrusted with the revitalization of the American Dream: yourself.

It is a scary thought to be burdened with the survival of our way of life and the revival of the American Dream. But for all your shortcomings, you are capable of extraordinary feats. You just need to invest in yourself! Invest in your knowledge! Invest in your evolution! Invest in your future! The internet has placed so much knowledge at your fingertips. And if you just scratch on the surface, you will open the floodgates of wisdom and power. If you're just willing to make the sacrifice and have the patience, you will find that not only can you navigate through this world, but manipulate it as well. America, everything you need to be successful in this world is within your grasp. Just reach for it. And I guarantee that you will save the American Dream. Thank you.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Public Private Blur

We live in two distinct worlds.  One life exists primarily at work. Its professional, polished and politically correct. Its a life of routine and conformity. And its an act. The other life is more complex and exists primarily at home. Its where we let our guard down and let out the personality that makes us, us. It is the life you are afraid to let other know about. In this life we are crazy, paranoid, psychotic, insecure, you name it, we are all of it. But it is real. 

However, things are changing. Facebook, MySpace, GPS, Twitter, etc. Everyday, the technology of the 21st is further documenting our lives and persona to the point that our private and public spheres are becoming blurred. I was initially resistant to this movement. I was intensely private, willing to go to great lengths to guard my psychoses. But recently, I have begun to change my mind.

If you are familiar with the evolution of man, you would know that we as a species, used to live in a communal setting. But somewhere along the line, the human race separated into clans and families. We began to build borders (homes) around ourselves and shrouded our personal lives and thoughts in secrecy from others. "Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again!" as uttered by Vito Corelone in The Godfather was the norm. This development though, came at a price. We lost touch with our race. 

Now, after centuries of putting up walls between our human brethren, we are tearing them down. Technology is giving us a closer look at what happens behind closed doors and what we are learning is that we are not that dissimilar.  That others have hidden private personas that are not so much different than our own.  That our psychoses are on par with everybody else (for the most part). We are discovering that human nature is not robotic, but rather significantly and exquisitely flawed. And this understanding is a positive development in our evolution.

I have always believed that we must put the advancement, enlightenment and common good of our race above our self-interest. It is for these reasons that I had to embrace the blurring of public and private life. Its why I write this blog. Yes, it is not easy to put yourself out there, exposing your insecurities to the world. What if they judge me harshly? What if this, what if that? I say, who gives a damn. If they want to continue being delusional hypocrites, so be it. The truth is, only through a better understanding of each other will we ever truly feel comfortable with ourselves. So embrace the blur, reach out to someone and let them know that you are just as crazy as them.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

America & The Mechanic

Mechanic: Is America here?

America: Yea, right over here. How does it look.

Mechanic: Not good. Take a look at this.

America: What's that?

Mechanic: It's your AIG. Ya see, a normal AIG looks like this (points to a clean object). But this is your AIG, its dropping CDS's all over the place.

America: CDS's?

Mechanic: Yea. Credit Default Swaps, CDS's. They're everywhere. I recommend you take care of this immediately.

America: Ok, how much is that going to cost.

Mechanic: Normally, it would be $200 billion. But for you, we can do it for $180 billion.

America: Ok. I guess.

Mechanic: Now take a look at this. It's your Citi. You see this red color? It's normally supposed to be black. This is really bad. I don't even know if I can legally let you leave here without fixing it.

America: What's that going to run me?

Mechanic: I can get it done for you for $45 billion. Anywhere else, it would cost you at least $60.

America: Well, if I really need it.

Mechanic: We'd also like to put in a TARP?

America: A TARP! What's that.

Mechanic: It's complicated stuff. You would have to be a mechanic to understand.

America: Do I really need it

Mechanic: Yes, this is an emergency. If you don't put in one right now, your almost definitely going to crash on the way out of here. $700 billion should do the job.

America: But I only came in for a quick tune-up. Fine, but that's it, right?

Mechanic: Right, that's everything. But you should come back next month to make sure.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Don't Hate the Playa...


We like to see stars fall. It makes us feel better about ourselves. When someone climbs to a level of stardom we could only dream of, there's nothing more fun then to watch them fall off that cliff. We like to know that they're not untouchable. That despite the money, women (or men) and power, they are human just like us. That they still face trials and tribulations that keep them up at night. We just need a reason to hate on them, less one wants to risk appearing jealous of their good fortune. So we wait for them to screw up and then we bring the heat.

Hello A-Rod, Bonds, Clemens and McGwire (A,B,C &MG). You guys are through. Your names will be forever synonymous with steroids. You guys screwed up the game we loved. Enjoy the mansions, ferraris and yachts, because no matter how big your house is, or how fast your car is or how luxurious your boat is you will never be able to escape your sad legacy. And now we have the ultimate trump card in our hands; your Hall of Fame induction ballot. And we're going to dangle that in front of you but it will always be out of reach. We are going to put you on a public trial via your Hall of Fame ballot and ultimately, we will find you guilty and you will join the likes of Pete Rose and always be on the outside looking in.

If you subscribe to the thoughts above, you should know your a sucker. It's convenient to put A,B,C & MG on trial. But just like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive, we're putting the wrong people on trial. A,B,C & MG are the sacrificial lambs, the easy targets. There is something much more sinister going on. Someone is taking advantage of our predisposition to see stars fall, distracting us and future generations from discovering the truth. We've got to dig a little bit deeper and find the one-armed man.

Bud Selig and the owners were the ones entrusted with preserving the sanctity of the Game. Yet, they turned a blind eye to the usage of steroids. They knew exactly what was going on. And they could have put an end to it, but didn't, because they saw that steroids was good for the bottom line ($$$). And before you knew it, baseball and steroids became one. And that's it. Baseball from 1995-2005 = Steroids. Those who did Steroids (more than we'll ever know) were just playing Bud Selig's game.

Now, Bud Selig, the owners and the Game of Baseball have blood on their hands. They are going to offer you A,B,C & MG, prevent them from getting into the Hall of Fame and pretend like the Steroid era never happened. Bud Selig wants to wipe the slate clean. He wants historians to look back on this era and see that the players pulled a fast one over the Game of Baseball. But once the Game caught on, they punished the violators and condemned them from the game. You see, this is about the legacy of the Game and the legacy of Bud Selig. But we can't let them off that easy. I wont let them off that easy:


DLaz: I want the truth!!

Bud Selig: You cant handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has Halls of Fame. And those Halls have to be guarded by writers with ballots. Who's gonna to do it? You? You, Bill Simmons? I have more responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for A-Rod and curse the Game of Baseball. You have the luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that A-Rod's public humiliation, while tragic, probably saved fans. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves fans. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Hall. You need me on that Hall. We use words like Homeruns, RBI's, Batting Average...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a fantasy stat. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very Baseball I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a urine sample test and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

DLaz: Did you know about the Roids?

Selig: I did the job you sent me to do.

DLaz: Did you know about the Roids?

Selig: Your goddamn right I did!!!

We as the jury must condemn not the players, but the Game of Baseball and Bud Selig by disregarding any known or suspected involvement when considering one's Hall of Fame credentials. Doing anything else would be to hold the players to a higher standard than the Game was willing to hold itself to. So, let the Game and Selig take their rightful place in history and let the records reflect the reality of the Steroid era by voting A, B, C & MG into the Hall of Fame, no matter how much satisfaction it would give us to do otherwise.





Interview with Roubini & Krugman in 2017

DLaz: Hello everyone, I hope you have your favorite liquor in hand because we have a real treat tonight. My guests are Co-Presidents of the United States, Nouriel Roubini and Paul Krugman. Mr. Co-Presidents, it is a pleasure to have you on the show tonight.

Roubini: Call me Nouriel and the pleasure is all mine.

Krugman: And call me Paul. DLaz, we felt that it was our patriotic duty to come on the show. Your posts and shows have brought reason and tranquility in a time of so much uncertainty. The entire country owes you a debt of gratitude.

DLaz: Thank you. Gentlemen, lets get right to it. Looking back, it seems we could have easily avoided the decade of recession/depression experienced not just here, but throughout the world. Hindsight is 20/20, but you two were laying out the plan as far back as 2008-09 on how to deal with the economic crisis that is now, in 2017, finally subsiding. If any one's advice should have been heeded, surely it was yours, as your predictions of the forthcoming economic crisis seemed almost clairvoyant.

Nouriel, you were warning of the end of the real estate bubble as early as September 2006. Paul, a 2008 Nobel laureate, was critical of Alan Greenspan's reluctance to regulate the mortgage and financial markets as far back as 2005. Despite the great risk to your careers, you made these predictions, which, at the time, were met with ridicule and largely ignored.

However, by late 2008, early 2009, most of your predictions had come true. You two were hailed as prophets by some. Yet, in 2009, a crucial year in the management of the crisis, your advice was once again largely ignored. Looking back, how would you two describe the irrational behavior exhibited by the citizens and politicians of this country in ignoring your advice again?

Roubini: Well at the time, there was a lot of political pressure coming from both sides. The country was not yet ready to drown out the political noise and let the economists who best understood the crisis, handle it. It's just upsetting because so many jobs and trillions of dollars could have been saved.

Krugman: Morons! A bunch of idiots!

DLaz: We all know what happened next. The failure of the Obama administration to deal with the insolvent banks doomed any chance of the insufficient stimulus package from succeeding. As the economy continued to erode and with job losses mounting, Obama narrowly won re-election in 2012 by pledging to have you two run the Fed and the Treasury. From 2012-2016, you two tirelessly devoted your time to dragging the country and the world out of the Great Depression 2. In 2016, with your efforts gaining traction, popular sentiment pushed and passed an amendment to the constitution allowing for the one time election of Co-Presidents and foreign born citizens (Roubini). The 2016 election was more of a coronation, as you two ran unopposed, pledging to run for just one term, to safeguard the economy until it was on sound footing.

Once again, going back to 2009, Nouriel, can you please explain the first misstep our government took?

Roubini: Well the problems with the major banks of the US were not ones of illiquidity, but rather insolvency. Back then, I predicted total losses for the US banks and broker dealers would be about $1.8 trillion, whereas the total capital backing the bank's assets was only about $1.4 trillion, leaving the banks about $400 billion underwater. The right thing to do at the time would have been to nationalize the insolvent major banks, or if you will, put them temporarily in receivership.

DLaz: Of course, at the time, the word nationalization was a scary word, when actually; it was the most market friendly solution.

Roubini: Yes, you see, the government's decision to prop up the major banks only created zombie banks that couldn't effectively lend to the public because they were insolvent. Rather, the government needed to take temporary receivership of the big banks that were insolvent, which was most of the major banks, if not all of them by the end of 2009. At that point, we should have cleaned up their books and separated the good assets from the bad assets and quickly auctioned off the good assets to well-capitalized super regional banks and other private entities.

You could have done all this in months and quickly put the banks back in the hands of the private sector. Instead of 4 major zombie banks, we could have had about 30 major, well-capitalized banks that were healthy to lend and posed less systemic risk. In regards to the bad assets, you could have combined them all into one entity and liquidated the assets over many years, a la the RTC in the late 1980s.

DLaz: Wow, amazing. Now Paul, what other missteps did the government make in 2009?

Krugman: Well, as you alluded to before, the stimulus package was insufficient. In 2009, we were facing about a $2 trillion shortfall in GDP over the next two years. The 2009 plan was for $787 billion, of which $200 billion went towards tax cuts, which has little impact on demand, so only about $600 billion had an impact on the shortfall. Realistically, we needed a stimulus that would have added an additional $1.4 trillion in spending to the original plan.

DLaz: But Paul, as I remember, it was difficult enough passing the $787 billion stimulus due to the noise over the mushrooming budget deficit. How could you have convinced someone that we needed a $2 trillion stimulus when they were complaining about a $787 billion one?

Krugman: Do you know what got us out of the original Great Depression? World War II, which can basically be viewed as a large public works program. Spending for World War II led to full employment, and rising incomes with the private sector taking on very little of the debt. Over the course of the war, the government deficit had soared, but the ratio of private sector debt to GDP was cut in half. And this low level of private debt led to a quarter-century postwar boom, as the deficit was slowly paid down over the next few years.

Additionally, for a historical perspective on the public debt, after World War II, the public debt was about 120% of GDP. In 2008-09 it was only about 40% of GDP. In other words, we had more capacity to run up the public debt.

DLaz: And to think, if we just listened to those who had already proven that they had a supreme understanding of the economic crisis in 2009, we could have avoided years of misery. Well, we need to wrap this up, I have 3 time Oscar winner Megan Fox on next. But gentlemen, it would be my pleasure to buy you guys a drink. What can I get you?

Krugman: I'll take a Bass.

Roubini: Just a club soda for me.

DLaz: Nouriel....

Roubini: OK, I'll have Glenlivet on the rocks...make it a double.


Disclaimer: This is not a real interview with Krugman & Roubini. If you think it is, your an idiot and should immediately leave this blog.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I Majored in Wiki

As I think back over my many glorious years at college, I remember doing beer bongs, playing beerpong....basically put the word beer before any word and I was probably doing it. Good times.
When I wasn't studying to become an alcoholic, I actually participated in various educational activities. In fact, I wrote a thesis paper, maintained high grades and even attended a lecture or two. After four years, I graduated near the top of my class with a diploma from a top university. If the educational bureaucrats were to write a script for the ideal collegiate experience, I would be their star (minus all the drinking). The problem is, I didn't learn anything.

Sure, I learned "life lessons" and crap like that, but you can learn those from a fortune cookie. The truth is, universities aren't in the business of educating people. They are in the business of handing out a piece of paper so you can get a job. "Who cares if the kids don't learn anything. They'll get a job and learn from their employer. Besides, there is no other business in town. And at $100,000 a pop, why rock the boat" could be the slogan for the US university system.

Thankfully, two factors are going to contribute to the demise of the current university model. The first is financial. The math goes like this: Large budget commitments predicated on growth + shrinking endowments due to bad investments + increasing cost for student loans + shrinking alumni contributions + families who can no longer afford college = Screwed.

The second factor is that there's a new competitor in town that actually has the ability to educate people: Wikipedia. A few months ago, seeing the dark clouds of the economic crisis overhead, I wanted to become educated on the storm that was coming. I started my search on one wiki page and before I knew it, I read over 50 pages. And all it cost me was the price of an internet connection. Now DLaz (oh jeez, only three post and I'm already referring to myself in the third person, this can't be good) will school 99% of econ majors on the details of how we got into this mess and could maybe even hold his own for a few minutes with Roubini (look him up, idiots).

And the reason why Wikipedia is more effective than anything the universities can offer is because you can get answers to your questions in real time. No more waiting for your 70 year old professor to get back to you. No more arduous research in the libraries that fatigues the average person. No more 4 years of waiting for your degree so the universities can suck 4 years of tuition payments out of you just so you can announce to the world that your "qualified" in a specific field.

I can already hear people bitching, "but Wikipedia isn't a reliable source for an education." Well, you know what else isn't a reliable source? Fallible teachers with biases (all of them) and text books that change each year because the publisher learned something new, like that the theory of evolution is a better model than creationism (what! you mean some textbooks still teach creationism? oh, they don't teach creationism, they teach intelligent design. my bad).

Well, tonight, hopefully all of you will drink your wine a little more at ease, knowing that your kids may receive a BA or a BS from Wikipedia University and save you $100k.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sure, the US is in Trouble, but Russia is Screwed


I was going to write a post today about doom and gloom and where I think the US economy is headed. However, I figured it best to wait until at least the fourth or fifth post to scare the bejesus out of my readers (3 strong now). Instead, we'll take this opportunity to laugh at the Russians.

If your not familiar with Igor Panarin, your in for a treat. He is the dean of Russia's Foreign Ministry diplomatic academy (FMDA). And he also likes to make predictions about the US. Amongst them: Obama will order Marshall law within the year, the US will split into 6 rump-states by 2011 and Russia and China will become the backbone of the new world order.

But the kicker, he thinks Russia and China should work together to make a new currency to replace the US dollar. I guess on PBS (Putin Broadcasting Service) they refrain from mentioning that the Russian ruble has fallen 30% against the US dollar in the last six months, or that their currency has recently been downgraded or that there is a world wide fear that the ruble is going to collapse.

Asked recently by one astute instructor at a lecture at the FMDA if his predictions more accurately described Russia, Igor quickly dismissed the thought. This blog had sought further comments from this instructor for the purpose of this story, but unfortunately, he is now permanently missing.

I am reminded of the Iraqi minister of disinformation ,aka Baghdad Bob, in the final days of the Iraqi invasion, telling the world on video that there were no troops in Baghdad and that the Americans were surrendering by the thousands. Meanwhile, in the background of the video, you could see Baghdad being bombed and in complete ruins. Within a few day, Baghdad had fallen.

Despite the struggles here in the US, we can take solace in the fact that an authoritarian government is disintegrating. Well, I for one, look forward to the end of Putinism, when Russians will once again be free to drink their Stoli and read my blog....but just in case there is some truth to those predictions, I am formerly announcing my candidacy for the President of the Southwest Rump-State of the UnUS.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"Mr. Watson - Come Here - I Want to See You"

If a post hits a blog and no one is around to read it, does it have any relevancy? I guess that's what I'm going to find out, as I'm pretty sure no one is reading my first post. Anyway, I figure I'll start out with the basic questions a curious observer of this blog may have.

What's with the name "Blog and Drinks?"

I figured that I would be doing most of my blogging at the end of my day, when I wind down and usually enjoy a glass (or two) of red wine. So there you go. I encourage my audience (of only myself right now) to also wind down at the end of their day, with the alcoholic beverage of their choice (unless your under 21, in which case, you either need to be in college or really cool in high school) and enjoy my blog. Cheers!

What is the subject of this Blog?

Much like how the US is wondering around aimlessly right now, lost with no decipherable plan to deal with the Great Depression 2.0, this blog will be a crapshoot. Basically, I'll blog about whatever's on my mind. Topics I see myself talking about include: the current economic crisis (i don't see that going away anytime soon), politicians (if you don't realize that they will say whatever they need to get your vote, you shouldn't have a vote), sports, other writers/bloggers I enjoy reading, crazy individuals who wield too much power (I'm speaking to you, Ann Coulter) and of course Angela Jolie.

How do I know if "Blog and Drinks" is right for me?

First off, if you don't get sarcasm, then please stay very far away from my blog. If you think that either the Democrats or Republicans are always right, stop reading. If you have never been wrong before (I have been once), continue being right somewhere else. However, if you wish to be enlightened, are looking for a little Jewish humor (think Jon Stewart, but funnier), hear some old Simpsons jokes rehashed or just wish to forge an imaginary, creepy bond with a person you have never meet before, you're in the right place.

What Separates this Blog from every other one?

Me.

What does "Mr. Watson - Come Here - I Want to See You" mean?

It means, that some things in life are better to be learned on your own (when you don't understand something, look it up on google search, you ignorant sluts). It also means that I think I'm pretty clever. Much more clever than I really am.


Well anyway, that's it. I hope you enjoyed your drink(s).



DISCLAIMER: I have no formal writing experience (other than going to school for over 15 years), so please ignore the gluttony of grammar and speeling mistakes (I still don't trust the spell checker).